A little history... Part 1
All right. Let's get to the real reason I'm writing this. I've got work to do on me, like a lot of work. I am a broken and beaten down person. I've changed and grown a lot (literally and figuratively) over the years but there is still some major damage to repair.
But first, a little background before I move forward...
I was always the awkward girl. A little over weight, a little too loud, and desperate to be accepted. In high school, I participated in everything I could and I ran everything I could, meaning if I was in a club I was one of the officers, I didn't like to sit back. This meant I was spread thin so I did a lot but I didn't do anything exceedingly well. Looking back it was a pathetic move to try to get in the "in crowd." I was next to them but I was never really with them.
Moving on to college, I was just excited to be out of my parents house. My parents are great but I'm an only child who, while having no restrictions (such as a curfew,) felt completely imprisoned. I couldn't wait to get away, go to parties, drink, meet boys, etc... Enter the world wide web, which was still a fairly new and evolving thing in the fall of 2001, when I was a freshman. I experienced my friends reactions to 9/11 through email chains, aol instant messages, and mostly by clinging to each other in front of the TV. It was a very different time than we're living in now! I "fell in love" with the first boy to give me attention on line and (long story short) essentially transferred schools for him. Big shocker, we broke up the semester after I transferred.
But it was ok! I was going to be with my girlfriends, go to parties, drink, you know, do the "college thing." Not even 2 months later I met a boy, this time in person, while drinking, and we quickly became inseparable. I convinced myself that fate brought me to him. I transferred not for the other guy, but for him. I wouldn't have met him if I had stayed at my other school and all the struggle and heart ache had led me here. Life was good. Or so I thought.
I could probably write a book about the ups and downs of that relationship. About all of the signs I can see now but didn't see then. But you're not here for that and this is supposed to be a brief history to get you caught up. So to save time, he was a jerk, and I was blinded by "love." I graduated school, fell into the work force, we moved in together, I basically demanded we get engaged, and in May of 2009 we were married.
It took me all of 4 days to realize how awful a mistake I made. We were in Disney (DISNEY! THE HAPPIEST F-ING PLACE ON EARTH) and he threw a fit about something, screamed profanity, and punched a trash can. I could not want to be further away from him. But I smiled and figured out how to calm him down, and we moved on. Then in 2010 I found out he was cheating on me with his high school ex. I didn't want to be divorced so young and believed in making a marriage work, so we pushed through that. But we were broken. He couldn't hold down a job, leaving me to the be the bread winner, which I don't mind, I love making money, but he was a mooch. He was lazy. He expected me to work and clean and basically be his mother. There were times I flirted with people online, never doing anything in person, but looking back it was still cheating. On this we were both in the wrong.
After getting evicted from our apartment, moving in with his dad, then fleeing to my parents house, then getting a new apartment, there were at least 10 moves in a 5 year span. All filled with tension, all leaving me to deal with the stress, and all leaving us not only broke but in debt. He had access to my information and opened any credit card he wanted and used it however he wanted. Leaving me to figure out how to pay for all that plus our normal living expenses. Needless to say all of those bills went to collections.
Fast forward to 2013. I'm turning 30. I'm having dreams. We're at a party for my birthday, I get drunk, and the truth slips out- as it always does. I scream at him. I started my 20's with you, I'll be damned if I start my 30's with you. I confide in, who I thought was, my best friend, his best friend's wife. She agrees. The guy is a jerk, I deserve better, I should leave. At the same time, I'm still blinded by the delusion that we should make our marriage work and all I want more than anything is to be a mother. So even though everything in my life is screaming at me, GET OUT, we go through a round of IVF that didn't take, and an FET (frozen embryo transfer) that they said worked and then 2 days later said it was just a chemical pregnancy and I wasn't going to have a baby.
Devastated, I again look to fate. This is fate. I'm finally seeing it didn't work because I'm not meant to be with him so this is the universes way of letting me walk away without having to be tied to him for the rest of my life. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I still cry about it. But, I am so grateful I do not have a child with that man.
The relationship dragged on a bit longer because I am a broken and beaten down woman and didn't have the strength to walk away on my own. But finally in 2014, I said, enough is enough. And I walked away. It wasn't a clean break. I'm sure his family and friends would spit on my grave if I were to die tomorrow. But for once, I had to do what was right for me, and now looking at the amazing life I have, I could not be happier I left and my only regrets are not being more definitive about how I felt and not leaving sooner.
But first, a little background before I move forward...
I was always the awkward girl. A little over weight, a little too loud, and desperate to be accepted. In high school, I participated in everything I could and I ran everything I could, meaning if I was in a club I was one of the officers, I didn't like to sit back. This meant I was spread thin so I did a lot but I didn't do anything exceedingly well. Looking back it was a pathetic move to try to get in the "in crowd." I was next to them but I was never really with them.
Moving on to college, I was just excited to be out of my parents house. My parents are great but I'm an only child who, while having no restrictions (such as a curfew,) felt completely imprisoned. I couldn't wait to get away, go to parties, drink, meet boys, etc... Enter the world wide web, which was still a fairly new and evolving thing in the fall of 2001, when I was a freshman. I experienced my friends reactions to 9/11 through email chains, aol instant messages, and mostly by clinging to each other in front of the TV. It was a very different time than we're living in now! I "fell in love" with the first boy to give me attention on line and (long story short) essentially transferred schools for him. Big shocker, we broke up the semester after I transferred.
But it was ok! I was going to be with my girlfriends, go to parties, drink, you know, do the "college thing." Not even 2 months later I met a boy, this time in person, while drinking, and we quickly became inseparable. I convinced myself that fate brought me to him. I transferred not for the other guy, but for him. I wouldn't have met him if I had stayed at my other school and all the struggle and heart ache had led me here. Life was good. Or so I thought.
I could probably write a book about the ups and downs of that relationship. About all of the signs I can see now but didn't see then. But you're not here for that and this is supposed to be a brief history to get you caught up. So to save time, he was a jerk, and I was blinded by "love." I graduated school, fell into the work force, we moved in together, I basically demanded we get engaged, and in May of 2009 we were married.
It took me all of 4 days to realize how awful a mistake I made. We were in Disney (DISNEY! THE HAPPIEST F-ING PLACE ON EARTH) and he threw a fit about something, screamed profanity, and punched a trash can. I could not want to be further away from him. But I smiled and figured out how to calm him down, and we moved on. Then in 2010 I found out he was cheating on me with his high school ex. I didn't want to be divorced so young and believed in making a marriage work, so we pushed through that. But we were broken. He couldn't hold down a job, leaving me to the be the bread winner, which I don't mind, I love making money, but he was a mooch. He was lazy. He expected me to work and clean and basically be his mother. There were times I flirted with people online, never doing anything in person, but looking back it was still cheating. On this we were both in the wrong.
After getting evicted from our apartment, moving in with his dad, then fleeing to my parents house, then getting a new apartment, there were at least 10 moves in a 5 year span. All filled with tension, all leaving me to deal with the stress, and all leaving us not only broke but in debt. He had access to my information and opened any credit card he wanted and used it however he wanted. Leaving me to figure out how to pay for all that plus our normal living expenses. Needless to say all of those bills went to collections.
Fast forward to 2013. I'm turning 30. I'm having dreams. We're at a party for my birthday, I get drunk, and the truth slips out- as it always does. I scream at him. I started my 20's with you, I'll be damned if I start my 30's with you. I confide in, who I thought was, my best friend, his best friend's wife. She agrees. The guy is a jerk, I deserve better, I should leave. At the same time, I'm still blinded by the delusion that we should make our marriage work and all I want more than anything is to be a mother. So even though everything in my life is screaming at me, GET OUT, we go through a round of IVF that didn't take, and an FET (frozen embryo transfer) that they said worked and then 2 days later said it was just a chemical pregnancy and I wasn't going to have a baby.
Devastated, I again look to fate. This is fate. I'm finally seeing it didn't work because I'm not meant to be with him so this is the universes way of letting me walk away without having to be tied to him for the rest of my life. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I still cry about it. But, I am so grateful I do not have a child with that man.
The relationship dragged on a bit longer because I am a broken and beaten down woman and didn't have the strength to walk away on my own. But finally in 2014, I said, enough is enough. And I walked away. It wasn't a clean break. I'm sure his family and friends would spit on my grave if I were to die tomorrow. But for once, I had to do what was right for me, and now looking at the amazing life I have, I could not be happier I left and my only regrets are not being more definitive about how I felt and not leaving sooner.
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